Cultivating Joy In Our Lives

I have three grown kids, and I miss the days when they were younger.  I wish I had spent less time worrying about doing everything perfectly and more time savoring those joyful (and hectic) times.

What even is joy, why does it scare us, and what can we do to cultivate more of it in our lives? 

Joy comes within you. It is a positive attitude that comes from being connected to yourself and others. Joy is a way of life that we choose. But we must be vulnerable to experience joy.  Why?

Joy is one of the most terrifying emotions out there. That's why we are often afraid to feel it.  When we start to feel joy, many of us can't help but think, "This is too good.  What if something bad happens and this is all taken away?" So we guard our hearts against feeling joy too much.  We think it somehow protects us.  Yet, I have never talked with a person grieving a loved one that felt holding back joy protected from the terrible pain of loss.  Instead, it's those joyful moments they experienced with their loved ones that they can bring up in their minds that bring them joy even in the darkest moments.  

Here are three steps to cultivate more joy in your life.  

First, notice and bring in moments of joy:

Pay attention to the good things in your world and inside of yourself.  So often, good events roll by our eyes without us noticing them. Set a goal each day to actively look for beauty in your world or signs of caring for you by others or good qualities within yourself

Look for little daily moments of joy to build on – petting a dog, watching a sunset, noticing a flower, a delicious meal, a favorite song, and a funny moment in a TV show.  

If you look for micro-moments of joy, you will find them.  When you do find them notice them for what they are – little moments of pleasure. 

Just let the moment be what it is.

It doesn't mean to ignore the things that are difficult or challenging.  Even when life is bleak, we can reclaim our joy in small pieces.  

Also, create joyful experiences for yourself:  For example, you could take on a challenge, go out in nature, spend time with people who lift you up, or call up a memory of feeling joyful. Or do something nice for someone – complimenting someone or letting a friend know how much he or she means to you. It's one of the most effective ways to bring joy into your life. 

2.  Practice gratitude:  

Brene Brown Ph.D., in all of her research, says she no longer talks about joy without talking about gratitude. 

They go hand and hand. People don't feel more gratitude from experiences of Joy, but rather feel more joy from feeling gratitude. Everyone always talks about a gratitude journal.  I have one, and that's an excellent place to start. 

Even more important is recognizing, feeling, and expressing gratitude while experiencing life's precious moments.   It can start with the second you wake up, thanking God for breath, eyesight, morning coffee, the sunshine, warm shower, your goodness, and the goodness of others. 

This gratitude can go on all day and is truly life changing.   

3. Expand the Joy:

Truly feel in soak in the experience – notice it show up in all of your senses.  Smell the ocean, feel the breeze, savor delicious food, and hear the birds chirping.

 Scan your body from head to toe with curiosity to describe the sensations of joy.  Breathe deeply to keep the emotions flowing and keep your attention on it, so it lingers.

If you experience tension or anxiety, let that be there too.  – Breathe space into the sensation to accommodate all that you feel inside. 

Then go back to the sensations of joy as they unfold and extend the experience.

Relish it.  

Like building muscles in the gym, we develop the capacity to feel more joy in our lives.

What are the benefits of cultivating more joy in our lives?

The more you experience and savor joy; you are creating new neuropathways in your brain to bring that emotion up more often – increasing your capacity to feel joy deeply.

Also, the emotion of joy lowers the stress response and strengthens our immune system and resiliency.

Finally, joy makes us want to play, expand our curiosity and connect with others.

The last time our whole family was together, we were gathered in the living room playing a silly jack box game.  We were laughing and having so much fun. I took the time to savor the moment and soak in all of the joy it brought to my whole being.  It also brought up a little sadness, knowing that they would be getting back to their busy lives in just a few days.  But then I brought myself back to the moment and savored the feeling of love and laughter.  

I can’t relive those younger years that I wish I would have not taken for granted. But I can soak up the moments of joy now while I am experiencing them. It’s the richness of life we all can savor and then remember and treasure for years to come.

Living According to your values

One summer during my college years, I was traveling with a group in Europe.  One of our stops was Helsinki, Finland and as soon as we checked into our little boutique hotel, a friend and I took off for a walk around the city before dinner. After an hour or so, we were ready to head back when we realized we had no idea the name of the hotel or where it was, and we had different recollections to the direction back.  In those days there were no cell phones, and we didn’t have any contact numbers.  We were lost. It was dark, and I was scared.  By pure luck, after a couple of hours we found the place, and to this day, I will not go anywhere without a map or GPS

I talk to many people who feel lost like that – not geographically but in their life – lacking confidence, having difficulties in relationships and lacking joy and true fulfillment – struggling to find their way without anything to guide them.  

What is often missing is a deep commitment to living according to their core personal values.

Values are principles and ideals that guide our behavior, like a map or GPS.  As you better know and understand your values, you will feel more confident, improve your relationships and find more joy and fulfillment in life.  

 Here are three exercises to help you identify your values in a way that will inspire you.

The first exercise is to

Flip Your Frustrations

Think about those moments when you were angry or upset. Perhaps you were frustrated with people who are not honest or don’t follow through on commitments.  Or maybe you are frustrated about one of your unmet goals.

For me, I get so angry when I see people that are quick to judge others because they don’t look, think or act like them.  It reminds me to slow down and see people in the image of God – although it’s not always easy.

The opposite of judgment for me is curiosity.  When I approach others (and myself) from a place of curiosity, my judgment melts. Curiosity is one of my core values.

Another exercise for coming up with your core values is to look at your Peak experiences in life:

Consider a meaningful moment that stands out.  What was happening to you?  What values were you honoring at the time?

About six years ago, I signed up for a week-long counseling intensive.  I thought I would be taking notes on how to be a better counselor, but when we got there, they announced the bulk of the time, we were going to be in group therapy.  What? We were assigned a group of eight that we would emote with for the whole week.  But when I got in my assigned circle I looked around and thought I have nothing at all in common with any of them - a young guy from Taiwan, a retired pastor from Canada, a young missionary from Haiti, a retired businessman, a grandma, and a couple others that I thought had completely different life experiences than me. Couldn’t there be at least one other person in my stage of life? They said they prayed for the group placements but clearly didn’t pray hard enough for our group.  

Fast forward to the end of the week.  This is where my peak experience comes in.  I was sobbing as we were saying our goodbyes after hour upon hour of sharing our deep hurts and insecurities.  I loved every one of them deeply, and I realized how much more alike we all were than different.  My value of connection came out of that peek experience that changed how I see everyone I encounter.  What is yours?

The third exercise on identifying your core values is evaluating your Code of Conduct

Beyond your basic human needs, what must you have in your life to experience fulfillment:  Is it excitement? Creative expression? Justice?  Beauty?

I feel other’s emotions and pain deeply.  As I have gotten older, I have an overwhelming need to take action to make a difference in the lives of those who are suffering.  That’s how I got to my core value of compassion.  What must you have in your life?  

These exercises are the beginning of a process that takes time and deep contemplation.  This is something that a couple one-on-one sessions can help you clarify. What will come out of it is a list of 3-5 values that will be at the forefront of your mind as you make important decisions, guiding you and giving you motivation to set and achieve your goals.  It’ a life-changer!

There are going to be difficulties and setbacks in achieving any worthwhile goal and being clear on your values is what can keep you going.

 Conclusion

After I graduated from college, I started my career in a traveling marketing job with Proctor and Gamble.  My friends were envious of the travel and perks, yet I was never seeing them.  I was getting headaches, and I was anxious and unhappy.  As I discovered my personal values I realized I wasn’t living according to those values, and was able to move into a job in teaching and later counseling, coaching, and group facilitating - all of which are more in line with my values, and I am experiencing a profound sense of meaning and purpose.  You can have that too in your own unique way.

You don’t need to go through life feeling lost. Instead of wandering through life, lost like a college student in Helsinki, leaving it to luck to find your way, you can make the deliberate life-changing decision to discover and then live according to your values.  They will be your guide that will increase your confidence, improve your relationships and give you a sense of meaning and purpose.    

Increasing Your Capacity to Handle Life Challenges

Do you have excessive stress and anxiety getting in the way of your day-to-day functioning?

Do you lack the confidence to handle challenges that come your way?

Do you find that you numb out or dissociate or don't feel like yourself? 

Or do you find yourself being unreasonably irritated with people, including your colleagues and the people you love the most?

If you find any of these to be accurate, I can help you understand why. 

The answer lies in your nervous system.

This fantastic system links the body to the brain and the brain to the body. It's a bi-directional two-way highway.

A healthy nervous system has a large window of resilience, and we sail through the ups and downs in life. We will have times we go into fight/flight response, but we will come back down and continue.  

But, most of us have more dysregulated nervous systems– meaning we have a smaller window and therefore smaller capacity to deal with life's stressors which can cause us to be in a state of fight, flight, or freeze. You are probably wondering how does this dysregulation happen. It can be part genetics – traumatic stress passed down from our ancestors or stressors during our first three years of life when the foundation was formed. In addition, stressors later in life like being bullied, accidents, surgeries, pandemics, and a host of other things can overwhelm our system.   

When our nervous system is stuck in fight/flight – what I call defense mode - our body is in a state of high alert. If this high activation is constant, we will either experience a continuous charge of stress hormones or go into freeze. Often both – a feeling of disconnection from ourselves or others with an underlying tsunami. 

I have good news! You can increase your nervous system's capacity so that you can weather the storms in life, just like a house built on a solid foundation that is standing through earthquakes and floods.  

Somatic experiencing is a body-based approach to healing traumatic stress in the nervous system.  

Somatic Experiencing has helped my coaching clients far more than any of the other tools and techniques combined. It has changed my life, and it is changing the lives of my clients.  

If you feel overwhelmed, overly anxious, or don't feel like yourself, there is an explanation.

When your nervous system is in defense mode –stuck in fight/flight, your prefrontal cortex goes offline. That's not good because that part of your brain is responsible for executive functioning--including our ability to plan, organize and set goals. Without it engaged, we can't problem-solve, focus, pay attention or even be creative. 

With a regulated nervous system, you will:

Think and create with crystal clear focus

Be more productive

Not be afraid to step into the next challenge 

If you find yourself easily irritated, here's what's happening in your brain:  

Our prefrontal cortex also regulates our emotions and social-relational abilities. Again, when it's offline because we are in defense mode, we tend to get irritated and easily annoyed, and we might find ourselves saying things we later regret. Or being around people feels exhausting and unsafe. 

When we increase our nervous system's capacity, we will feel more relaxed and at ease around others and listen, engage in meaningful conversations and be open and flexible; We will also parent with greater ease.  

Remember, your dysregulated nervous system doesn't have to stay that way. No matter how you got here, you can increase your capacity by somatic experiencing sessions to help rewire your system from the ground up.

In groups and one-on-one sessions, we take a few minutes to feel our emotions somatically—it's a game-changer. You can practice being somatically aware by a simple four-step process. You can remember it by using the acronym SOAR.

SENSE: turning your attention inward and become aware of the sensations in your body such as muscle tension, breath, tingling in your legs, butterflies in your stomach, or a lump in your throat. As you draw attention to those areas, they tend to amplify, and they also move and change.

OBSERVE: is to sit in awareness of body sensations without judging them. It is to notice and accept what is happening in your body as it is happening, without pushing it away. So often, we try to avoid or numb our sensations because they are uncomfortable or because we think they are bad and we shouldn't be having them.

ARTICULATE: To articulate your sensations means to describe them. It is to put into words the experience of the felt sense you observe. This helps slow things down, often making them less intense and overwhelming. It's best to articulate what you are feeling with another person or a group of people. You can also write them down.

REFLECT: As you notice your sensations, what thoughts, emotions, and memories come to mind? What do you notice in your body as you reflect?

As we become more comfortable with feeling all of the sensations in our body, we have more capacity and confidence, knowing we can tolerate whatever comes our way. This also helps us to get more in touch with our emotions so that we can share them with others and deepen our relationships.

Imagine thinking clearly with a sense of focus and purpose, getting the most important things done knowing that you are genuinely making a difference in this world.  

And imagine truly enjoying people, including your kids, spouse, and friends.  

Imagine having the capacity and resiliency to handle whatever comes your way.  

With a better regulated nervous system, you can. 

 "I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Self-compassion

Imagine you got a call from an old friend and the conversation went something like this:

"Hey, how are you?"

"Terrible," she says, choking back the tears. "You know that guy Mike I have been dating? Last night he told me that I was putting too much pressure on him and just wants to be friends. I'm devastated."

You sigh and say, "Well, to be perfectly honest, it's probably because you're ugly and boring, not to mention needy and dependent. And your at least 20 pounds overweight, and your hair is a mess. I'd give up now because there is no hope of finding anyone who will ever love you. I mean, frankly, you don't deserve it."

None of us would ever talk to a friend this way. Yet strangely, these are the type of things we say to ourselves all of the time. Maybe it's over a relationship, your work performance, something you said to an acquaintance, or regret you have about something you did in the past.  

We all have an inner critic to varying degrees. It's a deeply ingrained survival strategy because we are social beings who depend upon each other. Way back in human history, being ostracised meant death.  

Our inner critic will never disappear altogether, but we can learn to calm it down, change its tune and stop believing it so readily.  

One of the most effective ways we can do that is through self-compassion, which means treating ourselves the way we would treat a good friend.  

Kristin Neff, a professor at the University of Texas, wrote the book Self-Compassion. Her research shows that self-compassion is strongly related to lower levels of anxiety and depression and motivation and an overall sense of well-being.

Want to know how to become more compassionate to yourself? Dr. Neff suggests taking self-compassion breaks in times of stress, suffering, or difficulty. There are three steps:

A way to remember them is A-C-T

The first step is A is for Awareness. This involves pausing and looking inward to discover what we are feeling, thinking, and saying to ourselves. Are your words harsh? We can not have compassion for ourselves if we don't even know we are suffering. Many of us are so used to numbing our feelings that we are not even aware of our pain. We may use food, alcohol, shopping, overworking, or taking care of everyone else's needs, so we don't feel what's going on inside us. Being aware of your experience is an essential first step of self-compassion.  

The second step is C for COMMON HUMANITY.

This means recognizing that we are all imperfect and that suffering and feelings of inadequacy are something we all go through rather than something that happens to you alone.  

Instead of isolating, if you are going through something difficult, reach out to at least one other person and share your experience. This helps people feel closer to you, and when you open up, it helps others feel safe to do the same. Recognizing common humanity reminds us that we are not alone.

The third step is T for TENDERNESS or self-kindness.  

This means cultivating a curious and gentle attitude with yourself. This is often challenging, especially for those of us that falsely believe that being hard on ourselves will have positive results. Whenever you are at a loss for kind words to say to yourself, think of what a good friend would say to you. 

Now, keeping in mind ACT, let me go back to that hypothetical phone conversation that I opened with. Let's see if we can shift how we talk to ourselves.

"Hi, How are you?"

"Terrible. My boyfriend just broke up with me."

Awareness: "Soooo sorry. that's so devastating and sad."

"Yeah. I thought he was the one, and I miss him and feel so lonely, and I am putting myself down and beating myself up over it."

Common Humanity: "Everyone who goes through a break up with someone they loved goes through similar emotions. You are not alone."

Tenderness: "I will think of what a good friend would say to you: "It's normal to be hard on yourself at times like these. But the truth is you are beautiful, smart, and loving and have so many wonderful qualities. You are a great catch, and there are a lot of men who would be lucky to date you."

Ahhh, what a difference! I'm just going to soak that in.

Next time you are in emotional pain or facing difficulty, I challenge you to take a self-compassion break and ACT by:

1. Having Awareness,

2. recognizing Common Humanity and

3. being Tender to yourself

In addition to these three steps, it is important to reach out to other safe people and share our true self- insecurities and all. (A connect group is an excellent place to start.) When we are accepted by others who know all parts of us, we can only truly accept and love ourselves. You will be amazed at the healing that takes place from the acceptance from others and a regular self-compassion practice.

"I'll do it tomorrow

Have you ever had items on your to-do list for weeks or even months? Are you frustrated for not getting around to creating a fulfilling life for yourself? You are not alone. According to a study conducted by Darius Foroux, 88% of us report procrastinating regularly.

Why do we procrastinate when we know it doesn't serve us? According to Dr. Tim Psycle, the author of the book The Procrastination Puzzle, we procrastinate to avoid unpleasant feelings. And putting things off does make us feel better. At least temporarily. But there is a cost. In the long run, it leads to stress and guilt and can cause us to put our lives on hold.

Let's start with three common myths about procrastination:

Myth 1: I will feel like it tomorrow. 

Chances are you will never feel like doing it. There are some things you have to do to achieve your uncomfortable goals. You can do something now even if you don't feel like it. As you act, your motivation will change. Not the other way around.

Myth 2: It's not a big deal if I put off this important task for another day.  

When we are putting things off, we think that our future self is some stranger that is good with whatever we leave for her. We need to get clear that we are our future selves, and she is not going to be happy with you when she has to scramble last minute to complete that project. Or she is going to have regret when she wakes up and years have passed, and she has not accomplished the things that would have given her life meaning and value.

Myth 3: I have always been a procrastinator, and I can't change. 

You can change! Some of us indeed have personality traits that make us more likely to procrastinate, but all of us can shift away from unhelpful patterns. In my work as a life coach and counselor, I see people make lasting changes all of the time. The latest research in neuroscience shows we can change pathways in our brain at any age.

Here are three steps you can take today to get the essential things in your life done without delay. They are the 3 A's: Awareness, Action, and Accountability.  

1-Awareness  -It's essential to stop and become aware of what you are feeling and thinking when you keep putting off an important task.    

For example, I had planned to give a speech for my toastmaster's group and I kept putting it off. When I finally explored what was going on inside me regarding the delay in delivering my speech, I noticed a big knot in my stomach and a tightening in my chest. I identified the emotions as fear of humiliation and overwhelm.

Then I got out a pen and paper and wrote out every thought I had about the speech. Here's a few of them:

-I don't have a topic, and it must be ultra-inspiring

-I am not a good writer, and I need to organize my thoughts perfectly.

-I will never be as good of a speaker as so many in our group.

Wow! I can't believe that was all inside my head. No wonder I had been putting it off for so long. Then I reminded myself that I don't need to be perfect and that I will improve the more I practice.

Checking back in with my emotions, I still had a bit of a knot in my stomach, but I knew I could tolerate the uncomfortableness and move forward.  

2nd step is Action

This step is simple - Just get started. Ask yourself: "If I were to do this task, what would be the next action?" If you are not sure what to do, break the project into subtasks and begin on one right then and there. For the speech, I started with an outline and then just kept going. It didn't take long. Why was I putting it off for so long?

3rd step is Accountability  

This might mean telling a friend or partner what you want to accomplish and asking them to hold you accountable—or working together with a friend on unpleasant tasks—or hiring a life coach. I can help you clarify your values and goals to be spending your time on what is most important to you. I can also help you break down tasks into clear action steps.  

The next time you find yourself thinking, "I will do it tomorrow," I invite you to bring in the 3 A's: Awareness, Action, and Accountability. This will make a big difference in your life.

The Serenity Prayer for Difficult Times

The Serenity Prayer for Difficult Times

During difficult times, staying mentally and physically well can be difficult when you're trying to manage a "new normal" that alters your routines and everyday life. When things feel overwhelming, I encourage you to turn to the Serenity Prayer, a simple prayer that can help us cope with stressful times.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Let's break it down.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The first part of this prayer reminds us to ask ourselves: Are we fighting against factors that we have no control over, like other people's choices, a layoff, or a change in our work environment? Why are we putting up resistance to these things, and how can we refocus our thoughts to live in the moment?

There are many things around us right now—and always—that we cannot change. It can be easy to fall into a pattern of fixating on how we wish things were or how they 'should be. Consider how much suffering we cause ourselves by focusing on what should be rather than what is. I was spending a lot of time worrying about the impact of the coronavirus on so many lives. I was also making judgments on other's decisions on social distancing. Then I recognized that these thoughts were stressing me out and were not helping me or anyone else. I can list everything and everybody that I can't control and lift them all in prayer. It brings my stress level way down. Letting go is a practice that takes time. So be patient with yourself.

The courage to change the things I can

Ask yourself: What will help me stay grounded and positive during this difficult time? How can I connect to the people, places, and things that are important to me?

This part of the Serenity Prayer encourages us to look at what we can change. The easy answer to this question is "ME!" Despite a change in environment, you can still control your actions and reactions. These can be simple; for example, doing one thing out of your comfort zone, writing a letter, or calling someone living alone. We can't change the world's suffering, but we can brighten at least one person's day.

Ask yourself: What will help me stay grounded and positive during this difficult time? How can I connect to the people, places, and things that are important to me? This may mean joining a connect group, therapy, setting aside time each day for prayer and reflection, or walking outside. You can also use this passage to reflect on whether or not you are focusing on the right things. Are you willing to look around you to find the positive and let negative thoughts slip away? Are you ready to acknowledge that some of your thoughts and perceptions may be inaccurate and based on fear?

These questions are challenging, but they help us continually look inside for our truth, and they give us the information and insight we need to change what we can.

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Being honest with ourselves and repeating the Serenity Prayer reminds us to have faith that we are not alone in our journey and that we have a responsibility to control what we can and let go of what we can't.

In repeating the Serenity Prayer, we ask for awareness of our experience and the ability to understand all the pieces of the puzzle, the factors affecting our situation, and what we have control over and what we do not. Being honest with ourselves and repeating the Serenity Prayer reminds us to have faith that we are not alone in our journey and that we have a responsibility to control what we can and let go of what we can't.

During times of uncertainty, we can remind ourselves often of this calming prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Finding Calm during coronavirus social distancing

I think most of us are feeling fear right now to varying degrees.  

It’s understandable.  We need fear.  It is designed to keep us safe.  But, as we are bombarded with constant threats it’s easy for us to get hijacked by a fear that gets our system stuck in fight, flight or freeze survival mechanisms, causing us to be overly anxious with thoughts of catastrophe or a sense of hopelessness.  

I am going to share with you a few of the tips I have learned in my training in somatic experiencing, a body based trauma therapy, on what we can start doing today that can help calm and regulate our nervous systems so that we can make it through this time period with resiliency, strength and hope for the future.  

First, Orient to Your five Senses– this feeds information to our lower brain letting it know we are in the present moment and we are okay.  

Orienting is a simple yet effective practice.

To orient, start with noticing the sensations of your feet.  Can you feel them touching the ground?  And can you feel your chair supporting you?  How about your hands? Notice what else you feel in your body.

Now let your eyes explore and let them go where they want to go. What do you see?  Take a minute or so and see what your eyes are naturally drawn to.

What do you hear?  Are there sounds you haven’t noticed before?

What do you smell and taste?

Be curious about what you are noticing and feeling in your body as you are orienting to each one of your senses.

I recommend doing this orienting exercise a few times a day as a way to stay in the present moment.  Now, if you are feeling activated, you might want to do this throughout the day and even speak out loud what you are noticing.  Ideally, find places out in nature to walk while you are orienting as exercise is another key component to nervous system regulation.

The second way we can calm our nervous system is to: 

Savor the Good

This is not to ignore the bad or to disassociate from our emotions – we need to feel and process them all.  We can be experiencing sadness and at the same time we can be intentional about savoring the good.  

We need to begin by having lots of activities that foster good feelings so we can savor them.  For me it’s book club, devotionals, holy yoga classes, family game nights, paddle boarding, care calls and groups and A LOT of walks. Make sure you have activities with others even if it’s by phone or video. It’s amazing how close we can feel to others from afar. Then ask yourself regularly: “What is going well in my life right now,” or “How is God showing up?”  

 Another way to savor the good is to go back to our 5 senses:

After we have experienced “what is” we can go back around and notice what in our five senses bring us pleasure:

Can we notice what feels good in our body?  Can we feel our clothes or blanket against our skin? The cool breeze or warm sun?  Feel the warm water as you are washing your hands.

We can go out in nature and soak in the sights, sounds, and smells and see what we are drawn toward and what we appreciate.  

When we eat we can really enjoy our food. Especially when there was a time when we didn’t know how much would be available.  Or we might light a candle with a scent that makes us feel calm.

Right now our systems need a moment-to-moment gratitude practice. Start when you wake up in the morning and continue to name things you are grateful for until you hit the pillow. This intentional practice (and limiting news exposure) will make a big difference in your state.

Another way we can calm our nervous system is through our:

Imagination:

Your lower brain doesn’t know the difference between what is real and what is imagined.  Spend time each day imagining yourself in a beautiful location.  What do you see, hear, smell and feel? Imagine yourself with people that bring you a sense of comfort and joy. As you are remembering positive emotions from the past, what are you feeling in your body now?  Take all of the time you need to feel the pleasant emotions.

Another way to bring in the good is to place your right hand under your left armpit and your left hand on your right shoulder.  As you are doing this, close your eyes and give yourself compassion for all that you have been going through and thank yourself for all of your goodness. This brings the “feel good hormones” oxytocin and dopamine to your brain.

 The final and most important tip for calming our nervous systems is to foster

Vulnerable Connections on a regular basis.  We are hardwired to connect so nothing disregulates our nervous systems more than isolation.  

 To be honest, I had a few really tough days this week.  I was trying to be strong for everyone else, yet inside I felt like I was falling apart. Then I had an unexpected 2-hour conversation with a friend.  I shared with her that I was struggling.  She didn’t try to fix it – she just listened as I poured out my emotions.  By the next morning, I was back on track.  The added bonus of working on our own nervous systems is that we can have a positive impact on the people in our lives. Be intentional about finding people you can talk to vulnerably. In addition to members of your household, find safe people you can talk to on the phone or online. Let them know you just need to be heard and listened to. And then be that person for others. We don’t need to be fixed or given advice. We need an opportunity for our feelings and emotions to be felt and processed. That can make all of the difference.

These are tough times so we must be intentional about keeping our nervous systems regulated by orienting to our five senses, savoring the good and vulnerably connecting.  I know it’s difficult to believe now, but this time period won’t last forever. With a regulated nervous system we can set goals and intentions for ourselves for who we want to become. The world is going to need you to be the best version of yourself - now more than ever!