Imagine you got a call from an old friend and the conversation went something like this:
"Hey, how are you?"
"Terrible," she says, choking back the tears. "You know that guy Mike I have been dating? Last night he told me that I was putting too much pressure on him and just wants to be friends. I'm devastated."
You sigh and say, "Well, to be perfectly honest, it's probably because you're ugly and boring, not to mention needy and dependent. And your at least 20 pounds overweight, and your hair is a mess. I'd give up now because there is no hope of finding anyone who will ever love you. I mean, frankly, you don't deserve it."
None of us would ever talk to a friend this way. Yet strangely, these are the type of things we say to ourselves all of the time. Maybe it's over a relationship, your work performance, something you said to an acquaintance, or regret you have about something you did in the past.
We all have an inner critic to varying degrees. It's a deeply ingrained survival strategy because we are social beings who depend upon each other. Way back in human history, being ostracised meant death.
Our inner critic will never disappear altogether, but we can learn to calm it down, change its tune and stop believing it so readily.
One of the most effective ways we can do that is through self-compassion, which means treating ourselves the way we would treat a good friend.
Kristin Neff, a professor at the University of Texas, wrote the book Self-Compassion. Her research shows that self-compassion is strongly related to lower levels of anxiety and depression and motivation and an overall sense of well-being.
Want to know how to become more compassionate to yourself? Dr. Neff suggests taking self-compassion breaks in times of stress, suffering, or difficulty. There are three steps:
A way to remember them is A-C-T
The first step is A is for Awareness. This involves pausing and looking inward to discover what we are feeling, thinking, and saying to ourselves. Are your words harsh? We can not have compassion for ourselves if we don't even know we are suffering. Many of us are so used to numbing our feelings that we are not even aware of our pain. We may use food, alcohol, shopping, overworking, or taking care of everyone else's needs, so we don't feel what's going on inside us. Being aware of your experience is an essential first step of self-compassion.
The second step is C for COMMON HUMANITY.
This means recognizing that we are all imperfect and that suffering and feelings of inadequacy are something we all go through rather than something that happens to you alone.
Instead of isolating, if you are going through something difficult, reach out to at least one other person and share your experience. This helps people feel closer to you, and when you open up, it helps others feel safe to do the same. Recognizing common humanity reminds us that we are not alone.
The third step is T for TENDERNESS or self-kindness.
This means cultivating a curious and gentle attitude with yourself. This is often challenging, especially for those of us that falsely believe that being hard on ourselves will have positive results. Whenever you are at a loss for kind words to say to yourself, think of what a good friend would say to you.
Now, keeping in mind ACT, let me go back to that hypothetical phone conversation that I opened with. Let's see if we can shift how we talk to ourselves.
"Hi, How are you?"
"Terrible. My boyfriend just broke up with me."
Awareness: "Soooo sorry. that's so devastating and sad."
"Yeah. I thought he was the one, and I miss him and feel so lonely, and I am putting myself down and beating myself up over it."
Common Humanity: "Everyone who goes through a break up with someone they loved goes through similar emotions. You are not alone."
Tenderness: "I will think of what a good friend would say to you: "It's normal to be hard on yourself at times like these. But the truth is you are beautiful, smart, and loving and have so many wonderful qualities. You are a great catch, and there are a lot of men who would be lucky to date you."
Ahhh, what a difference! I'm just going to soak that in.
Next time you are in emotional pain or facing difficulty, I challenge you to take a self-compassion break and ACT by:
1. Having Awareness,
2. recognizing Common Humanity and
3. being Tender to yourself
In addition to these three steps, it is important to reach out to other safe people and share our true self- insecurities and all. (A connect group is an excellent place to start.) When we are accepted by others who know all parts of us, we can only truly accept and love ourselves. You will be amazed at the healing that takes place from the acceptance from others and a regular self-compassion practice.