One summer during my college years, I was traveling with a group in Europe. One of our stops was Helsinki, Finland and as soon as we checked into our little boutique hotel, a friend and I took off for a walk around the city before dinner. After an hour or so, we were ready to head back when we realized we had no idea the name of the hotel or where it was, and we had different recollections to the direction back. In those days there were no cell phones, and we didn’t have any contact numbers. We were lost. It was dark, and I was scared. By pure luck, after a couple of hours we found the place, and to this day, I will not go anywhere without a map or GPS
I talk to many people who feel lost like that – not geographically but in their life – lacking confidence, having difficulties in relationships and lacking joy and true fulfillment – struggling to find their way without anything to guide them.
What is often missing is a deep commitment to living according to their core personal values.
Values are principles and ideals that guide our behavior, like a map or GPS. As you better know and understand your values, you will feel more confident, improve your relationships and find more joy and fulfillment in life.
Here are three exercises to help you identify your values in a way that will inspire you.
The first exercise is to
Flip Your Frustrations
Think about those moments when you were angry or upset. Perhaps you were frustrated with people who are not honest or don’t follow through on commitments. Or maybe you are frustrated about one of your unmet goals.
For me, I get so angry when I see people that are quick to judge others because they don’t look, think or act like them. It reminds me to slow down and see people in the image of God – although it’s not always easy.
The opposite of judgment for me is curiosity. When I approach others (and myself) from a place of curiosity, my judgment melts. Curiosity is one of my core values.
Another exercise for coming up with your core values is to look at your Peak experiences in life:
Consider a meaningful moment that stands out. What was happening to you? What values were you honoring at the time?
About six years ago, I signed up for a week-long counseling intensive. I thought I would be taking notes on how to be a better counselor, but when we got there, they announced the bulk of the time, we were going to be in group therapy. What? We were assigned a group of eight that we would emote with for the whole week. But when I got in my assigned circle I looked around and thought I have nothing at all in common with any of them - a young guy from Taiwan, a retired pastor from Canada, a young missionary from Haiti, a retired businessman, a grandma, and a couple others that I thought had completely different life experiences than me. Couldn’t there be at least one other person in my stage of life? They said they prayed for the group placements but clearly didn’t pray hard enough for our group.
Fast forward to the end of the week. This is where my peak experience comes in. I was sobbing as we were saying our goodbyes after hour upon hour of sharing our deep hurts and insecurities. I loved every one of them deeply, and I realized how much more alike we all were than different. My value of connection came out of that peek experience that changed how I see everyone I encounter. What is yours?
The third exercise on identifying your core values is evaluating your Code of Conduct
Beyond your basic human needs, what must you have in your life to experience fulfillment: Is it excitement? Creative expression? Justice? Beauty?
I feel other’s emotions and pain deeply. As I have gotten older, I have an overwhelming need to take action to make a difference in the lives of those who are suffering. That’s how I got to my core value of compassion. What must you have in your life?
These exercises are the beginning of a process that takes time and deep contemplation. This is something that a couple one-on-one sessions can help you clarify. What will come out of it is a list of 3-5 values that will be at the forefront of your mind as you make important decisions, guiding you and giving you motivation to set and achieve your goals. It’ a life-changer!
There are going to be difficulties and setbacks in achieving any worthwhile goal and being clear on your values is what can keep you going.
Conclusion
After I graduated from college, I started my career in a traveling marketing job with Proctor and Gamble. My friends were envious of the travel and perks, yet I was never seeing them. I was getting headaches, and I was anxious and unhappy. As I discovered my personal values I realized I wasn’t living according to those values, and was able to move into a job in teaching and later counseling, coaching, and group facilitating - all of which are more in line with my values, and I am experiencing a profound sense of meaning and purpose. You can have that too in your own unique way.
You don’t need to go through life feeling lost. Instead of wandering through life, lost like a college student in Helsinki, leaving it to luck to find your way, you can make the deliberate life-changing decision to discover and then live according to your values. They will be your guide that will increase your confidence, improve your relationships and give you a sense of meaning and purpose.